Saturday, September 6, 2008

Good Enough?

He wrote me. Twice. And it's something scary. He's charming and I am feeling my heart being taken slowly piece by piece away with the winds of this... I have no idea what to do.

It reminds me of a dream I had once where I was in a car in the back seat and the driver drove us into a part of the road that had been submerged in water from a flood. I knew we would all drown if we didn't get out. I suddenly realized that I had to take over or die.

I worry that this will be another disappointment. I want to believe that someone who I cherish could and will cherish me, but it's a frightening hope to have. Not having any hope is always less terrifying I think. It hurts more in the long run, of course. But in the short run it seems like the perfect solution to sadness... just give up. Just stop thinking anything good is coming...

But a person can't live their life that way for long before they die... in one form or another. And I don't want to be that person... who doesn't feel their heart anymore.

So I am in a balancing act. I know I must proceed... but with caution. And yet without caution... because too much caution only makes time slip by slowly... like water torture... waiting for the pain to start so I can go run away and hide.

Tonight, I am going to try not to do what I have done before. There are some things I am not in control of and those things eat me alive... sometimes.... but tonight I won't let that keep me from doing what I can to live my life... and if tomorrow brings disappointment than so be it. So be it... So be it. But it might not. It might not.... It might not.

In any case, I just need to remember the man with cinnamon gum in his pockets... who whistled... and held me on his lap. And loved me.... And loved me...

Deep breath. Ok.

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