What Fate and Faith Allow

Well, I am breaking my silence on the issue of the men in my life... And I must say I am determined to take a new emotional stance on the matter. In the last week and a half I have come to several new and rather startling realizations...

I have tried with much force, but completely subconsciously, to end the possibly budding romance between me and my "crush." How have I done this!? Well... it's subtle and complicated, which is probably why no one has ever noticed and "called me on it" before. But in a moment of introspection I suddenly knew what I had done...

First of all, I am a confrontational person. However, mind you, I am also polite to a fault, sweet and slow to anger. But... I do not shy away from a fight if something really bothers me. In any case, I am also a person who likes endings, results, definitive answers and would prefer to move forward... I walk fast. I make decisions fast. And thankfully those decisions are usually fairly good ones, if I do say so myself. I also am used to taking care of people, situations, places... myself... many things. It is unusual for me to feel as though I am in a place to "receive." How does this translate into the world of romantic relationships? Well... I rarely let anyone truly pursue me. I pursue them. Why? Well, to be honest, I think the uncertainty of it has just been too intolerable until now. Perhaps there is even a bit of an issue with control... It's easier to be rejected on your own terms than to let someone reject you when they want to. And here's the real shocker... I deeply hate feeling "in love" or anywhere near "in love," or even "like" for long periods of time... I have loved men before, but always from some sort of self-imposed distance. (whether consciously or unconsciously) The distance functions as a protection. They never really "get to me." Not really.

I honestly don't know where things are going with my "crush." But I am forcing myself to learn to "enjoy the ride" and "be vulnerable" in a healthy way... And for some reason it has taken an enormous amount of effort of my part to do this. But regardless of where I find myself with him "down the road" the discovery of this precious insight is invaluable.



That first realization is a bit "bitter-sweet." But here is the really ironic thing... Remember "indie guy." Well, as of the other day he has started trying to make sweet, witty little conversations with me. And my instinct tells me he may be more interested in getting to know me than I previously assumed... Furthermore there are at least two other men who may be also "interested" in me... whatever that means anyway. This is all truly stunning to me. So... what happens next?! I don't know. And, while the following bits of information are distasteful, they add to the drama. At least two of the other men are fairly well off. One of them wears impeccable and expensive suits everyday... However, my "crush" does not have "means" created through his own devices. (I have no idea how he grew up...) I would normally never even consider this, but in this case it simply illuminates in my mind what my heart really is feeling, for better or for worse.

The thing about my "crush" is that he has such an intoxicating soul... and this moves me deeply. And unlike any man I've ever met before, he knows how to "lead me." And as I said before, I do not easily follow any one's lead. At all. This unprecedented ability, whether intentional on his part or not, is both horrifying and beautiful at the same time. However, I will not despair. I compulsively crave closure, but some things just aren't closed... and no matter what I do it isn't within my power to end them. They have a will of their own... and a timing that I cannot determine. There is an uncomfortable and seemingly incompatible combination of fate, resignation, blind hope and peculiar bravery involved in romance at any stage. And I must be at peace with this. Indeed, I feel slightly "out of control" of my own fate for the first time since I was a very young child, which is perhaps the last time I didn't have many things "figured out." But it doesn't feel bad. It feels healthy. I do know that I can make truly productive and wise decisions to really take care of and protect myself... But, beyond that, on matters of the heart, I am merely a passenger. And all I can do is take in the view... And pray.

Last Words

The other day went well with my "crush." We've been seeing each other occasionally and so far he's been quite sublime. He likes the book, The Sun Also Rises. I love that book. And I am fairly certain that he is, indeed, a beautiful soul and that I must be myself with him. But other than that I don't think I will write about him again, at least not for a while, if ever. Some things shouldn't be written about... and everyone must decide what those things are for themselves. In the past I would have written it all. This time I don't think it's best.

Instead, I will discuss the fact that I am stymied by my split ends. I read in an article in Vogue last spring about not using dimethicone... while it sits on the hair it smooths out the ends. However, when you wash it off the hair is left damaged since the silicone also blocks natural oils from entering the hair strand. I've been using "Sheer Blonde." It has silicone in it... But it's also cheap. I don't know what's better saving money or preventing whatever damage the silicone is causing. No one seems to notice the damage but me anyway...

Tomorrow night President Obama will give his State of the Union address. This morning I heard the clip of him telling people that his main objective isn't to be reelected. He is more concerned with being the best he can be... whether that amounts to one term or two. He said that he would rather be an excellent one term president than a mediocre two term president. I admire that. A lot. Whether he's saying that to "cover his sins" or if he is saying that to defy antagonistic forces that hound him daily I don't know. But I respect the sentiment. As Winston Churchill once said, "In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will." I think President Obama may be following that creed... indeed.

In any case, I feel humbled... (I realize that these paragraghs don't make sense together, by the way) And hopeful. And I believe that prayers will make all the difference in the world... in life. So I pray for it all... for Haiti... for America... for me... for you... and then I cry a little. Because there are so many things that need prayer. But God is listening. And that I do know... for certain.

What I Didn't See

Usually I have something logical to write. At least what seems logical to me. I know I can't assume everyone out there would agree. But I like to at least make some serious gesture towards being rational... and often my pessimism feels like a comfort to me. That way any sort of harsh emotional blow sustained doesn't hit without at least some warning. Today, however, I was thrown in the wind and am still recovering.

My "crush" came into the store today and suggested we have lunch tomorrow. I was not expecting that. Really. Of course I had some small hope nestled in a little crevice of my heart that thought... "well... maybe." But alas, when he came in I thought, "Alright. There he is. Now, be nice to him. It's not his fault in the slightest if he doesn't like you. It's just... fate, God or Mother Nature or who knows what." And so, when he approached the counter, and I realized I was going to have to serve him his coffee today, I tried to greet him with a warm, and even empathetic, smile. I honestly didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

But he made plans to meet me tomorrow. A part of me still doesn't believe it. It's not that I think I'm so hideous that he is just daffy to accept, or that I am assuming that he's madly in love with me because he did, or some other thought that would make me look like a "nut" to most people. I haven't jumped up and down and screamed. I don't know... Maybe I should... ? ... It's just... It's truly and deeply refreshing to finally seem to have found a guy that appears to at least, maybe, just maybe actually be interested in the "real me." Of course what happens tomorrow remains to be experienced but it's lovely that he accepted my offer. It's rare to find a man who isn't completely "turned off" by my honesty or at least by the thought that a woman could have a mind of her own. (I think I've dated one guy in my life who may have actually liked that about me.) To gush even more, he seems to be such a man, which is fascinating to me. And even more baffling is that he is sweet, good-looking and intelligent or at least quite clever.

Of course the ridiculous thing about what I am saying right now is that all the guys I've dated before could be described the same way, using the same words, but those same words just don't seem to have the same meaning with him. With him there is just something more... and I don't know what it is. Of course, my caveat is that many things wait to be seen, including how in the world this will unfold with my mother... if things progress beyond our seemingly casual meeting tomorrow. But as I said before, it's a risk I am willing to take... even with the involuntarily disarming effect of my presently "rose tinted glasses"... In any case, I've never experienced anything quite like this before... whatever this is... I don't want to make any totally premature emotional assumptions... It is both scary and wonderful, if only because he is a bit scary, in a non-horrid sense, and wonderful. Well... at least he has been so far. And I suppose that is all I should say.

While I Wait

Well... When I am a bit smitten with a guy I lose my appetite. On top of a racing heart and shaky nerves I find myself shrinking. I'm sure this sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal but with my already rather small size it doesn't necessarily make my life any sweeter. So, I decided I had had enough and that it was time to take matters into my own hands and "ask out" my crush. And sadly enough his answer isn't my main concern. Although it does make me sad to think he may not feel the same way about me at all... And, of course, it would be lovely if he "likes" me. But that isn't the point. Not really. I just need to be able to eat again and I hate the suspense. I would rather just get it over with. If he likes me he does and if he doesn't than he never did. The intriguing thing to me is what, indeed, actually is going on. Like I wrote in my last posting my aunt and my mother cannot both be correct in their estimations. Because, above everything I hope for, I hope that I truly am more interested in reality with it's many variances of light and darkness than in assumptions, be they positive or negative.

So I wrote him a little note that resembled a receipt, for discretion, and slipped it to him today when he came in to get his coffee. I said, "I think you dropped this." In the note I asked him if he would like to meet for lunch and gave him my cell phone number. I figure if he has any interest he will eventually call me. In fact he may call as I am writing this very blog entry. But... if he isn't anywhere near interested in me than I hope he follows the advice I included in my note to discard my lunch suggestion along with the note itself. And he may do just that. I looked at his face when he read the note and I couldn't tell if he was just shocked, shocked and horrified or shocked and filled with pity for me. He didn't smile, but his eyes looked about two sizes larger than normal. I am guessing that that isn't a good sign for any hopes I had. However, the reassuring news is that he came back into the store, after I left, for a refill. I guess he isn't afraid to come back into the store, which is a huge relief. I don't want to be fired. And I just hope, deeply and sincerely, that he doesn't think of me as some sort of sad disaster because I asked him out. I know girls who "make the first move" are often looked down upon in our culture as being desperate, loose or obnoxious. I know I am none of those. I just have a rather anxious nature and there isn't much I can do about it. I have to act or I simmer inside and all my energy burns my own sanity to pieces. I don't know if that makes me ill or just a human with a definite personality quirk. In any case, it's the way I am. Being slowly pursued is painfully tedious for me. And for that I suppose I should apologize to all kind and lovely men out there who like to pursue slowly... No offense gentlemen. I am just a "nervy" and introverted little piece of work...

I was also rather upset by the election results last night in Massachusetts. Martha Coakley should have been "out in the cold" greeting voters. But then again, as I heard from another regular customer, and on Fox News, "the people" are tired of "not being heard." I wonder what that really means. Because as far as I can see "the people" are rarely "heard" in the first place. People want someone to blame for the fact that many things don't make sense right now in the world. They want answers that are flawless and worry free. They want health care to be fixed, the economy to recover, the environment to be restored (if they let themselves believe there is a problem with the environment in the first place), terrorism to just magically end without any serious loss of life for anyone, AND taxes to stay the same or be decreased... Meeting all those needs at the same time is impossible, or nearly impossible. Both sides of the aisle claim to want "change" now... Everyone wants "change." Good grief. Honestly I think the world is just "effed up" right now. And maybe it always has been. Politicians, including both Bush and Obama aren't the devil. They may be seriously wrong but they can only do so much with a world that is so terribly complicated that it's a wonder Obama, or anyone else with any real interest in the future, runs for office anyway.

Sorry this is such a depressing post. I just needed to vent.

ps My "crush" likes the show, "Jersey Shore." Perhaps... it wouldn't have worked anyway... lol! That show.. is... boring shit. (and I bitterly stomp away... :) )

By Myself

I feel a bit alone to be honest, however less alone than when I am not writing and that is always a good thing. I appreciate the kind comments of people who happen to come across my blog. Perhaps a bit this feeling is because I'm sitting alone in a rather large room and outside these walls the city is dark, silent and cold. However, in any case, it's not the worst feeling in the world. Because in truth, it is in this sort of moment that I realize that beside God and the hosts of the heavens, and perhaps even hell, at the end of the day I am just with me. I have to live with my life and choices more than any other person. Sometimes I forget that simple fact. I forget that the truth in my heart matters, at least to me. And no matter how prolific or articulate any one is, or isn't , what we really experience can never really be totally explained. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't really love another person or that we really are alone in the worst sense... But it does mean that each person's life is truly a rare, epic and important part of the whole, I think. And it means that our own happiness and pain are unique. There are some people who may get closer to seeing and understanding our worlds but they will never be totally in them, the way we are. Even if they love us almost, just nearly, as much as God does.

I have no real idea what is going right now with "the crush," only that he is becoming more than a crush. I am falling for him. And I have absolutely no right to do so. At least that is what I can hear "people who know better" yelling at me, even though they haven't actually had a chance to do so yet. First of all, they would complain, I don't know him nearly well enough yet, and second of all he hasn't pursued anything outside of seeing me at work. I am getting my hopes up too soon! And who knows why he hasn't really...

A while back he was charming and witty, as anyone who reads this blog would know. Then he seemed chatty and sweet. After that disinterested and a little aloof... Then not. Most recently he has become nervous and today was just odd. I was about to leave work just as he walked in because I wasn't feeling well. But I wanted to say hello, because I love my few minutes talking with him every morning. So I tried to find things to do so I could say hello as he walked out the door. It worked, sort of. He called out to me as he was leaving, but yeah... He said, "What are you doing over here? Are you pacing back and forth?" I had no idea how to answer that really. Then he stated with a bit of annoyance in his voice, "Who gets off at this time of the morning anyway?!" So I explained that I was sick... and then he told me to "feel better" and marched off. And I, of course, giggled a sweet little "Oh I will." Afterwards I felt more pathetic than those sad little plastic cups you see on the street that have been run over by cars more than a hundred times.

And then there are the opinions of the few family members I've confided in about him... My mother thinks he is a forbidden man of the world, who is rather mean and potentially crazy. Furthermore, my mother also thinks he probably isn't the least bit interested in me or at least, "not in that way." But my aunt on the other hand thinks he is possibly trying to seduce me. They both are saying what they think is most likely and most helpful for me to know, but the first problem is that they can't both be right. The second problem is that neither of their opinions really match my own experience. And this is, after all, my experience. Normally both my aunt and mother are wise judges of character and good at discerning reality. Perhaps not in this scenario.



Whatever happens between him and me, or never happens, will truly only be between us. I've always known that to be true about relationships in general... But with him I feel it more than I have with many other people in my life. Perhaps there is something about him that speaks to something deep within me that very few other people understand, even many people I have known my whole life. And it is that very point of emotion that makes this experience a little terrible and yet so delightfully promising. Beautiful and yet sad. No matter how real or lovely his attentions feel I could be merely experiencing a cruel delusion. And at some point if nothing ever develops I will have to move on, even far away perhaps, and maybe never see him again. And all of the feeling of connection will be stuck in a moment of time, in the past.

How awful.



But it is a risk to take. All my dark worries based on what I know to be a very possible avenue of life are not yet reality. And in my faith I do believe that God does know all of these meanderings of my life, which is a comfort... One life among so many in the world.

Outside the box

I think "the new crush" may be fading in his interest at the moment, if there was any to begin with. And this would usually bother me, but at the moment it sort of does and sort of doesn't. I've been working at being in a better place to deal with all the requisite drama of romance, but I think my current emotional state has more do with other matters.

Long ago now, in late summer of last year, I decided to pursue an answer to a puzzle that has been nagging me for years. With the help of a friend of mine I think I may be almost at the point of an answer. And while I don't exactly have all the words to describe this mad romp of Internet research and phone calls I can say that it involves family drama from the past. Of course. And maybe once I can put all the pieces together I can shift my attention to other matters, such as what in the world I'm doing with this life that God has given me. :)

I feel as though I have been waiting for a while now, holding this "box" filled with family history. I've been trying to live life as usual, knowing full well that if I could just "open" the box I would have a lot of answers to questions that have bothered me, as I said, for years. But, I didn't have the key... Now I think the key may be in the mail, both figuratively and literally.

Of course this is all so vague sounding, but I have to write something about it and yet I can't really write about it. So... there you have it.

Of Horses and Men

I also decided from my conversation with Ben that I need to stop being such a chicken in regard to other men... So I'm going to get back up on the saddle, so to speak. I've been holding off on communicating with several old crushes, who I never dated, because I feared the potential rejection. I don't feel so scared anymore. It's odd, but I'm not so worried about what will happen. And, although it won't change the outcome, I think that's much healthier.

Furthermore, I am going to write the people in Great Britain about being a potential student there. I think that's just something I need to do. Life doesn't stop for anything and the time I spend musing over my options needs to be spent making risky, but all too necessary decisions and then dealing with the outcomes.

Besides, a cousin I'm growing closer to may be living in Paris next fall and how much fun would it be to visit her while living in Wales?! If the highest price of being a tough cookie is a cheap trip to Paris, then I think I like those odds. In any case, I pick strength instead of desperation and hope instead of despair. And... I need to take care of myself.

The following picture, entitled "On The Street... The Stillness, Melbourne," is from The Sartorialist, at: http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/. I feel that this picture sums up what I feel inside. Just the way the wind hits her skirt and the look in her eyes is so magnificent, and of course her choice of color combination is extraordinary.



ps After posting this I directly sent a few messages to a few guys... Yeah, scary and unlike me but it felt good. I think I may resolve to do one terrifying thing daily from now on.