Point Of No Return

At what point do we change from who we were to who we are becoming? Or are we always just the same person? Perhaps we grow. Perhaps we become better or worse versions of ourselves but at the end of the day we are always just... us.

Because... no matter how much older my cousins grow to be and no matter how much wiser we all become we are still the same group of people we have always been. Our interactions have changed slightly, but the core of who we are when we are all together is still the same. For better or for worse.

When I was young I was what people considered a "goody-two-shoes." It would seem that I have changed since then. When I was young I was a sweet but precocious only child with ADD, who became painfully shy around people my own age after several years humiliation. I've learned a lot since preschool, but that little girl is still in me somewhere. At times I hate it and would rather she just go away because not everyone I meet likes her. Indeed, as smooth as I try to be she still lingers like a faint fragrance waiting to be discovered. But she is me and I love her.

So, I have realized this Thanksgiving that there are no two ways around it. Some people like us and some people don't. Of course, that doesn't justify unkindness towards anyone. I suppose it is a fairly elementary concept, but is not something that I have ever easily accepted. It's much more fun to try to reach people's worlds and meet them there. I don't like locked doors. I want to open them. Yet sometimes the keys seem to be thrown at the bottom of the ocean.

Perhaps someday I will find them, or maybe I never will. And the sad thing is that just because a person doesn't like you it doesn't mean that they don't need you, or that you don't need them.

Such simple concepts, I know. But, like I said, I don't like them. They feel like defeat to me-like giving up. Dear Ms. Streisand and her people that need people... Maybe that is really all of us... ?...

On another note, soulmates exist... or so I have started to believe. It's the waiting for them that makes you grow. In the meantime I must face myself and with God's grace embrace all.

Early Morning Poetry

-Of All The Souls That Stand Create-

Of all the souls that stand create
I have elected one.
When sense from spirit files away,
And subterfuge is done;

When that which is and that which was
Apart, intrinsic, stand,
And this brief tragedy of flesh
Is shifted like a sand;

When figures show their royal front
And mists are carved away,—
Behold the atom I preferred
To all the lists of clay!

Emily Dickinson




-If You Were Coming In The Fall-

If you were coming in the fall,
I ’d brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I ’d wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,
I ’d count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen’s land.

If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I ’d toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.
But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time’s uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

Emily Dickinson

Kate & Kate

My mother and I are visiting her family for Thanksgiving. As of this moment, I am sitting in the family room watching as people interact and enjoy each other's company. My mom and her cousin just returned from a long winter walk. It wasn't meant to be long, but they got lost...

My uncle and aunt's Golden Retriever is meandering around all of us. He may be waiting for left-over turkey or some other random scrap of food to fall to the floor. He loves to eat anything and everything, including chap stick and various bars of soap. So, my mother and I have had to take precautions.

Tonight my uncle will likely be cooking a batch of scallops. He bought them to celebrate my birthday, which was last week. My mother suggested them. Too bad I don't really like them... ha ha. Oh, goodness. So often my mom thinks she knows my tastes and finds herself mistaken. But, it really just ends up being very endearing because her misunderstandings are not for lack of trying. We just haven't lived together for so long and we are still reacquainting ourselves, even after several months of being in each other's company.

It has been a blessed Thanksgiving Holiday so far though. And it's a nice turn of events. After becoming sick with H1N1 about a month back I had a rather gloomy start of the fall.

Today my mind has been wandering to the likes of two of my favorite fashion icons- Kate Winslet and Kate Moss. Kate & Kate. So I decided a photo of both of them would seem fitting.

(images from people.com and celebuzz.com)

To Top It Off

Well, today I have a cold. Hopefully it's not H1N1.... :)

I bought a brown wool hat the other day. My purchase was inspired by a picture I found in a Vogue from the 1950's and a red wool hat I already own.

More recently I wandered around the city to find a shoe repair shop. After asking a charming barber for help I finally made my way to a shop owned by a sweet older man named Jerry. Jerry did wonders with my boots. They were a mess and now they look as good as new and he only charged $15.00

It's been cold here in general. I'm not ready for the cold. But it's inevitable of course. At least I can wear my new hat...

I couldn't find a theater near me playing An Education... Although I did watch Mad Men... of course. And it was fabulous... again... of course.

I met a charming young man the other day... :) To my surprise he was a few years younger than me and yet seemed about as level-headed as many of the guys my age... Maybe even more mature than a lot of them. I don't know what to think of it... For some reason I've always had the idea that I would end up with a guy older than me... moreover in the past I've almost always dated the oldest son in the family.... The fellow I just met is the youngest of three boys... I doubt anything will come of it. However, it has opened my eyes to what might really work best with my personality. Sometimes I think it really is true that a person must fail and try again and again to really get something right... At least in romance?

Above It All

I took a walk to the library wearing three and a half inch heels... I made it there without much trouble... but I couldn't make it back. So I had to call a friend who lives near the library to come bring me a pair of shoes. Ridiculous. I know. But I could not go without shoes and I certainly wasn't going to wear my heels for another second. My feet would probably have just detached themselves from my legs and ran far, far away...

However, for the short time I wore heels (something I never do) my life was altered. I was likely at at least 5 ft. 11 inches when I was wearing those heels.... which was MARVELOUS! It was such an uncanny feeling for me to be the same height ,or nearly the same, as many of the men I passed and taller than many of the women because there was a odd sensation of privacy that I wasn't expecting... And yet it didn't feel awkward. I felt sleek, lady-like and serene, in fact. It was lovely. I am going to wear heels again as soon as my feet recover and I can take off the bandages... :)

This week I plan to see the movie An Education and watch my weekly dose of Mad Men. Lately I've been enthralled by the series.

(ps I am also very excited about the recycled wool coat that I just purchased, as pictured below.)

Fashionably Noxious

This week seems, so far, to be best summarized in the words of Brad from this week's episode of "The Rachel Zoe Project." When Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist, found herself feeling very ill and at the point of throwing up Brad, with great wit, declared, "...you're like fashionably noxious..."

I feel in the middle this week. It doesn't feel like fall yet but, as of yesterday, it officially is. I haven't found a job, but I'm in the middle of looking, applying and taking interviews. And the news, when not horrific, is at best unnerving. So I watch "The Daily Show" as an antidote and occasionally "The Andy Griffith Show."

So much feels like it's up in the air. In my personal life, even though I plan to go to Wales next fall there are still no guarantees and a part of me feels pressure to cave in and do something extraordinarily "practical" instead of going overseas to study... But then I stop to think about what I want my life to be and I realize I can't let go of my dreams. Even if they seem drawn out and pale due to stress and the cloud that is temporarily hanging over many matters right now... Because letting go of the future and allowing one's situation to overcome truth and hope never pans out in the end... no matter how convincing and perversely "practical" doubt may seem.

Last night my mother and I decided, yet again, to go for a walk. However this time we also ate at a nice little restaurant nearby. I ordered a piece of chocolate layer cake and coffee. It was pleasant, but really eating fruits and vegetables straight from the garden is my preferred treat. Silly sounding I suppose, but it's true. I have never been a big fan of chocolate. I know, it's odd or perhaps even blasphemy to some people... but I really do love my freshly picked tomatoes, cucumbers, chives, lettuce and a nice vinaigrette.











Then we walked past a little bridal boutique that always features one particularly lovely dress in the window. I'm not sure who the designer is... but I LOVE it. The fabric is soft and luxurious but also light and airy. It's serious and elegant and yet modern and fun. Yay! I loved it...

~

A pair of light blue eyeglasses from the 1950's arrived in the mail yesterday at my mother's. Apparently my aunt and another family member were exploring my great grandparent's place when they ran across them. They thought the glasses had once belonged to my mother so they sent them to her. I couldn't resist trying them on.. :)

~

~On another note, I have to say, I truly enjoyed President Obama's speech the other night. If you are interested, for any reason, here's a link to the bill: http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h3200/text