Thursday, September 4, 2008


So, I still haven't heard from Romeo... And who knows if I ever will. But, after feeling pretty sad all day about it... I mean it was really nice at first... and I was really attracted to him. I suddenly feel better. Perhaps in part because this online service sends you new .... victims... lol! .... regularly.... And in part because a nice guy here at the college... actually talked to me... not at me.... and his demeanor somehow calmed me down. I think God must have sent him my way tonight... because it gave me some hope. I haven't met a male who actually seemed human in a long time... probably since childhood...

When I was little I used to spend countless hours at a neighbor's house. They were like grandparents to me. John and Darlene. I loved them. John was like that.... incredibly calm. I remember feeling like that man could have walked into a storm head-on and it would have fallen asleep in his prescence.

He died when I was in the fourth-grade of cancer. He used to collect pennies for me in the Tylenol and Advil bottles he went through like candy... It never occured to me what this meant... It never occured to me that he was in great pain and that the reason I had so many pennies was because he was very, very sick... I just felt loved... He was just that strong, that brave and that much of man.
I remember when Paul Wellstone died... People felt loved by him too. As far as I know that man never cheated on his wife. He loved his children.
I hope God grants grace to us all... when we die... but for men who carry burdens, live honorably and reach out in love... they deserve a special crown. Because they seem so tragically rare.
Women, we think that if we look like a golden goddess we will be loved. But of course, it has nothing to do with appearance.... and everything to do with the strength of our lover's character and the richness of their soul... The "prettiest" women in the world can also very easily be the loneliest and the most betrayed.

I've always felt a special sort of brutish anger towards the men who hurt wives and lovers who sacrifice themselves and then get neglected or abandoned.

Of course, I know these men are human too... I just wonder how sick they must be to be so terribly pathetic.... so weak...

Because they are. And I mourn for them... what agony it must be to be a truly weak man... to be unable to be of any real use to anyone but yourself.

And how sad to be in love with that man....

I look at this picture of me and my ex... on his graduation day and I feel amazed and oddly serene. It's almost as if our hearts came together for a short time for no other reason than to cause each other pain... And hopefully the sort of pain that will make us better human beings... I look into his eyes and feel sorry for him... He didn't know any better... not really. And if I was his mother I would have told him to stay away from me. That he couldn't handle me... that he would hurt me... in the end. But alas... I'm not his mother... and no one warned him. No one warned him not to hurt a hurt thing... "Never love a wild thing..." Holly Golightly may have been right... and yet... I have a caveat... "Never hurt a hurt thing." Because I truly think that only ill will prevails when you handle a sad girl with youthful recklessnes...

On with the music.
And I will go and sit and be quiet... and realize that sometimes I just need grab that child within and hug her... and remind her that there once was a man who had cinnamon gum in his pockets and whistled.... and then left us... But that he loved... while he was still here.
He did exist...

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