A Life in Response

I don't know whether I'm supposed to cry right now or feel better.

I wrote my ex boyfriend a confrontational email today... even though I thought I was going to be fine and let it go... I couldn't... I told myself I wouldn't, but I did anyway. I know it probably just gives him more power, but I want him to feel guilty... I want him to regret hurting so many people... I want him to realize what he has done and stop doing it. I want him to be a better man.

Huh... funny. I didn't realize that that's what I want until right now. I suppose that this whole blogging thing... is better than I thought... :)

Anyway... it's true. It's not that I want him back... no. I just want him to feel sorry and change. I want him to feel free of his own ugliness... of his own pain. I want him to be ok... How weird is that? I want him to be ok....

I guess I still care about him...

It's sort of like that song by Justin Timberlake... "what goes around comes around..." Just like dear Justin I also see him "running around" and it hurts... because I did love him once. I still do. I just feel like he has no idea how much he's ruining his life by using people and not caring... because it's not noble... it's not what he could be.

But alas... I can't do a thing about it. I suppose I can pray... and hope... But I no more letters or emails... lol! I feel silly for sending the one I did earlier today... I wasn't trying to be mean... and yet I was rather harsh... and that never becomes me... it's just... I want him to open his eyes... and finally look at himself truthfully in the mirror. But you can't make someone do that. No matter how much you love them... Their potential for greatness may be lost... slowly killing their future and all they could have accomplished for everyone with each callous act.... for all that is good and meaningful in this life how sad. And yet... how common.

I mean no judgment. I just feel sad. Because there were moments when I saw who he could be if he didn't feel the need to prove himself to whoever the hell he's trying to impress... he's hurting himself... so much.

Now look at me.
Why did we end up together in the first place? I think it's because I'm just like him... Only the inverse....

Neither one is healthy. Neither one is real...

My natural hair color is blond.... and wavy... Now it's short, straight and dark brown... from a bottle... When I was little I wanted to be a lawyer.... But the father who raised me strongly discouraged it... I couldn't have babies and be a lawyer... I would be "married to my job"... No man would want that he said. I was too pretty to be a feminist... I was too sweet to be a "career woman."

I thought that by playing the game the way they want you to that I would get the love and support I needed to be a happy person... But I've discovered that this isn't true... So much of life seems to be about being honest... and brave enough to be yourself... Because sometimes it's incredibly scary to just be real...

You have to wear your clothes not let them wear you... you have to be yourself and let that define your image... not let the image define you... You have to live your life not let it live you... and kill you. One way or another. In one form or another.

And I know this is all "deep"... but... life is... deep. :) It's like the ocean... the farther you are willing to go the deeper it will get...