Sunday, August 10, 2008

A Cry For Help

I used to have a Facebook account. I got rid of it when the newsfeed told me that my ex had changed his relationship status... I couldn't handle it.

This morning I woke up and decided to use my roommate's computer for various reasons. Her Facebook account was open... so... my curiosity won and I decided to check up on my ex using her account.

I'm good!

I discovered that he is indeed in a relationship... Even though he swore up and down that he wouldn't get into one because he is going to graduate school in China in the fall. That was part of the reason he broke up with me... it's complicated... but let it suffice to say that this young woman who he's with now was around long before we broke up... and suffice it to say that I knew they were falling for each other... or would... long before he possibly admitted it to anyone... including himself. I saw it all long before they did. I honestly did.

This leaves me wondering... because this isn't unusual for me. I often see a lot of things long before they happen... only to be admonished by those less intuitive. Sometimes it's helpful but other times it just forces me to see ugly realities long before they happen... and I try to pretend that maybe I'm wrong... maybe I just need to "lighten up" or stop being so pessimistic. But... then my thoughts turn into reality... and I find myself deeply confused.

Am I supposed to feel relieved that it's all finally over and I can stop lying to myself, trying to hold on to the false comfort provided to me by those who can't see it yet? Should I feel sadness that my life seems set on such a predictable course that I almost seem powerless to do anything about it... or... perhaps... I need to let this be a lesson to me. No longer should I ignore myself... Because I'm really just hiding behind my self-doubt as a way to keep from having to face harsh truths... and oddly enough... the positive, but sometimes scary, choices that I can make... In other words I need to stop being afraid of my own life.

It's funny. This post seems to sort of fit well with my last one. Although in the last post I went on and on about resolutions of change in regard to health I think this encompasses it all. God gave me this life... I can't hide from it... I can't. Because it will just keep smacking me in the face until I do.

So, I've decided to pursue two ideas in my head... one involves a vacation to Greece to see a friend this fall... another involves living in England after college. I won't bore you with the details... :) But in any case, I need to travel.

In an odd sort of way I think the pain I feel about my ex might actually be more beneficial in a deep and sincere way than any "happiness" I would have felt if we had stayed together... or if we had never been together at all. It's easy for me to regret a lot of things... and I do. However, I am infinitely joyful when one of those regrets turns around and leads me to growth and a level of peace untenable without the mistake...

So while I feel physically ill at the thought of that young lady in his arms... They are in love. He's never been happier. She's better for him... he's great for her... blah.. blah... blah...

But it's... ... the truth.

And it may also be the truth that it took one really disgusting relationship where I ignored all the warnings in my head, all the truths I saw before their time... to realize that I can, indeed, see truth... In an ironic way it gives me confidence in my ability to lead myself. While I wish I would have never dated him.... I wonder if it was necessary....

I suppose I may never know for sure. But I like to think that in this crazy life it's possible that some things actually do, by some miracle, make sense... I need to listen to my internal cry for help from myself...

(PS This dress is the one I dyed in "Puddle of Teal.)

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