Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mommy Dearest

I've never been one of those people who have perpetual issues with their mother. I mean no disrespect for those who do, but I just rarely have had problems getting along with my mom.

We used to be best friends.

We would take walks and talk for hours about what I wanted to do when I grew up, my friendships and romances and basically anything that struck our fancy. When I went to college we would chat on the phone for long periods of time, occasionally hours, comparing stories and catching up. I relied on her wisdom. She gave me great amounts of her time, affection and love. I tried to praise her bravery in becoming an independent single woman when she left her husband after over twenty-five years of marriage. She needed to leave him and I attempted to encourage her...

Lately my life has turned into a remake of Terms of Endearment without the pathetic husband/boyfriend and/or cancer. However, at times, I must confess, I wish Shirley Maclaine was my mother.

I moved in with my boyfriend after he came back from England.

I am deeply in love with him and he is deeply in love with me. We want to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to marry him and have his babies. There is nothing wrong with this.

However, my mother has literally taken to the streets to demonstrate her utter disdain for my life decisions at this time. Yesterday I got off the bus and was walking towards our apartment when she approached me on the sidewalk and confronted me about why I hadn't returned her calls in the last five days. It's true. I hadn't returned her calls... In the last FIVE DAYS... but there are explanations for this.

First of all I have been busy working and trying to figure out how to pay my bills, including huge college loans... Loans she resents co-signing with passionate terror and criticism. So she has reason to talk with me, but not to treat me like shit.


Another reason I haven't called her in FIVE days... is because my boyfriend and I went out of town last weekend for our one year anniversary. We have a had a good deal of ups and downs in our year together, but, as I said, we are deeply in love and wanted to celebrate this. So we rented a lovely room, went antiquing, ate a carmel sunday and won $152.00! It was lovely.

I've had very few weekends that were better.

However, I couldn't tell her this because she doesn't want to believe that we are having sex. She would not be a happy lady if she thought we went on a trip together and shared the same bed... much less the same hot-tub... without swimsuits.

I don't mean to tear her apart. I just have absolutely no idea what to do in response to her... I am a christian and believe in good and evil, but I happen to have slightly different views than my mom. I am a liberal and I know some christians would say I am going to hell for that alone whether I sleep with my boyfriend, who I love, or not... Thankfully, she is not one of those people. But she comes close, God bless her.

I am open to her views and want to hear her concerns in a loving, respectful way... but she simply yells at me and then ends the conversation. And this happens almost every time she talks to me...

I've tried to tell her that I love her and respect her, but that she needs to let me make my own decisions. At times I try to be intellectually honest and at least consider her point of view... But her anger, arrogance and inability to treat me like an adult or even really listen to me forces me to to treat her like a child. I have to decipher what the hell she means calmly, objectively and then try not to be offended and actually consider it, while she stands there looking at me like I just ran over a toddler with my car under the influence.

I worry that she won't want to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My real father is dead. Her husband and I don't talk. So who does that leave? The only uncles I really speak to are her brother and brother in law...

Should I ask the bartender, Hal, from a date we had a hotel bar, where we went to watch Mad Men and drink gimlets and rusty nails, to walk me down the aisle someday... ? He is a kindly older man who has always told us we should get married... Actually, once he tried to get my boyfriend to propose on the spur of the moment. It was romantic. Hal is a classy man. He honestly is..

But how sad is that though... ?

She said, "You're making a very bad decision..." and then kissed me, turned around and marched off in a huff. I was left, in the freezing cold, staring at her as she moved farther away from me.

I hope the distance doesn't become permanent.


The Noble Hare said...

I wish I could say that I had no idea what you are going through but sadly my mother is the same exact way. We used to be very close and now we have an awkward relationship that I hope will return to normal some day.
Sorry you are having to go through this though.

Muirin said...

Thank you. It's wonderful to feel like someone can empathize. Thank you... :) But, I'm sorry you understand all too well what I'm going through... Best of luck to you with yours.

countrygalsrock said...

Your mom really just worries about you. A mom spends many years protecting you and trying to teach you to stand strong, be well, and make good decisions. When your child feels pain a mom feels it too. She's just scared. Ask her to rest and let God watch over you because he will. Love and prayers go a long way and the trust to know she raised you right. Hugs

Muirin said...


I am so sorry I didn't respond. Your comment really stuck with me and made me think.

In the last couple of months everything with my mom has been getting a lot better... I think she really was very worried. All that you wrote was so correct and really did offer me a great deal of comfort. No joke. It's amazing how much words can really mean and accomplish...

Thanks again and my apologies for the delay...