Thursday, September 30, 2010

In the Quiet Moments

Tonight I'm going to a baseball game with my boyfriend. Before the game we're planning to meet my dear friend Nadine and her boyfriend Scott for drinks. I'm excited. But honestly I really just want to see my boyfriend. And I am looking forward to being with my dear friend again too... The hot dogs, beer and ball game are just a subterfuge. I pretend to be excited by them so as not to seem like a big sap.

I'm looking for work. But more than that I'm trying to plan my life. What do I do? Do I work and go to school part time to finish my liberal arts education? Do I become a cna so as to position myself to be a nurse... which would be a fulfilling job that would pay my already huge loans? I don't know. But I need to know. I needed to know... And have been trying to figure this out for much too long. I apologize if this train of thought seems redundant. It is. I'm working on borrowed time I feel.

My boyfriend, mother and friends all have various opinions, suggestions and criticisms. I listen.

Isn't it funny how life slips by though? I mean I know I need to "get shit done" and all... I'm not complaining. I just find it funny. Work and work. Plan and plan. And then die. That sounds cliche doesn't it? I suppose I just don't want to be one of those people who don't stop to look around and observe the world around them. We are all so damn fascinating. It's wonderfully distracting.

I have started to take note of my "personal style" again. This blog was started to focus on fashion... It never really has. lol! I just haven't been able to shut up about everything else and focus on the splendid world of fashion... For better or worse. But in all honesty there are so many extraordinarily talented fashionistas... Some of whom are my friends from years ago or a relatively recent past. I think I almost thought such matters were better left to them...

But no longer. When I was a little girl I used to watch adult women walk past me in their high heels. A cloud of 80's fragrances would drift past me and I was filled with this sense that someday I wanted to emulate what I saw and experienced in those moments. I wanted to create this feeling of mystery and beauty. But I don't know that I ever have. I think primarily because it's scary to walk in high heels for a long period of time. What didn't occur to me as a child was that high heels are loud and announce your presence long before you arrive. I have an ironic need for privacy in public despite my openness to others. High heels destroy that. You can't go unnoticed. Loud clothing does further damage.

But perhaps there is a way to bridge the gap between bold beautiful fashion and my reserved nature. I am working on it...

Thanks for reading to those of you who have and do... I'm glad my musings aren't entirely boring... :)


sophie said...

I believe I know what you mean. Arrive at work in early morning and leave at almost night. Rutine, rutine until the day you die, is awful, but yes that shit has to be done. We have to find the way to make pleasant the everyday life which is really difficult. Or be brave be brave and live as we want but in the fact that maybe we won't survive as reliable people. It would be paradise if only we can survive doing the things we love... narf!

Miss Lime said...

I am glad I stumbled upon this blog. Some entries are deja vu.