Tuesday, February 2, 2010
What Fate and Faith Allow
Well, I am breaking my silence on the issue of the men in my life... And I must say I am determined to take a new emotional stance on the matter. In the last week and a half I have come to several new and rather startling realizations...
I have tried with much force, but completely subconsciously, to end the possibly budding romance between me and my "crush." How have I done this!? Well... it's subtle and complicated, which is probably why no one has ever noticed and "called me on it" before. But in a moment of introspection I suddenly knew what I had done...
First of all, I am a confrontational person. However, mind you, I am also polite to a fault, sweet and slow to anger. But... I do not shy away from a fight if something really bothers me. In any case, I am also a person who likes endings, results, definitive answers and would prefer to move forward... I walk fast. I make decisions fast. And thankfully those decisions are usually fairly good ones, if I do say so myself. I also am used to taking care of people, situations, places... myself... many things. It is unusual for me to feel as though I am in a place to "receive." How does this translate into the world of romantic relationships? Well... I rarely let anyone truly pursue me. I pursue them. Why? Well, to be honest, I think the uncertainty of it has just been too intolerable until now. Perhaps there is even a bit of an issue with control... It's easier to be rejected on your own terms than to let someone reject you when they want to. And here's the real shocker... I deeply hate feeling "in love" or anywhere near "in love," or even "like" for long periods of time... I have loved men before, but always from some sort of self-imposed distance. (whether consciously or unconsciously) The distance functions as a protection. They never really "get to me." Not really.
I honestly don't know where things are going with my "crush." But I am forcing myself to learn to "enjoy the ride" and "be vulnerable" in a healthy way... And for some reason it has taken an enormous amount of effort of my part to do this. But regardless of where I find myself with him "down the road" the discovery of this precious insight is invaluable.
That first realization is a bit "bitter-sweet." But here is the really ironic thing... Remember "indie guy." Well, as of the other day he has started trying to make sweet, witty little conversations with me. And my instinct tells me he may be more interested in getting to know me than I previously assumed... Furthermore there are at least two other men who may be also "interested" in me... whatever that means anyway. This is all truly stunning to me. So... what happens next?! I don't know. And, while the following bits of information are distasteful, they add to the drama. At least two of the other men are fairly well off. One of them wears impeccable and expensive suits everyday... However, my "crush" does not have "means" created through his own devices. (I have no idea how he grew up...) I would normally never even consider this, but in this case it simply illuminates in my mind what my heart really is feeling, for better or for worse.
The thing about my "crush" is that he has such an intoxicating soul... and this moves me deeply. And unlike any man I've ever met before, he knows how to "lead me." And as I said before, I do not easily follow any one's lead. At all. This unprecedented ability, whether intentional on his part or not, is both horrifying and beautiful at the same time. However, I will not despair. I compulsively crave closure, but some things just aren't closed... and no matter what I do it isn't within my power to end them. They have a will of their own... and a timing that I cannot determine. There is an uncomfortable and seemingly incompatible combination of fate, resignation, blind hope and peculiar bravery involved in romance at any stage. And I must be at peace with this. Indeed, I feel slightly "out of control" of my own fate for the first time since I was a very young child, which is perhaps the last time I didn't have many things "figured out." But it doesn't feel bad. It feels healthy. I do know that I can make truly productive and wise decisions to really take care of and protect myself... But, beyond that, on matters of the heart, I am merely a passenger. And all I can do is take in the view... And pray.