Tuesday, May 18, 2010


This spring has been interesting for me. I found myself dating three guys at once. One of them decided we didn't have any chemistry and proceeded to entirely end all communication with me. Another insisted that I had feelings for him a week after I broke things off with him. He continues to text me...

And then there is the original "crush." I still am spending time with him. I've gone from confused to hurt to angry to relieved and then shocked... and pleasantly surprised. And right now I am just optimistic. I'm not going to lie. I'm smitten, but with a great deal of new found experience to rely on as a reference.

I could go on and on about his faults and how he manages to still be lovable, but I'm exhausted with talking about him. I do it often with friends on the phone and in person. Too often maybe. Right now I'm just letting it go and yet still emotionally investing myself. It's a new found trick I've learned this spring. One must give their all in order to "let things happen" and yet brace yourself for shit to fly in your face at any moment. Sometimes it becomes impossible and I find myself being too distant or too "emotional."

The funny thing I've recently been realizing is that romantic relationships aren't really all that different than other sorts of relationships... I know that sounds like something I should already know, but sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to see until they just walk up and stare you in the eyes. It's true that you can't make people like or love you... ever. Whether people are lovers or friends... the same basic rules apply. I know better than to try to make someone love me, but that doesn't mean people will automatically either love or hate you either. So often it's been said that either men will love you right away or never. I don't buy it any longer. I think one knows when they know... And when that is depends on the people involved.

He says he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him. We seem to have agreed at one point that my "feelings" were stronger. They may be or they may not be... But thankfully, I am not as easily broken as he may presume. I've been rejected by men in "official relationships" who I have "loved." No, I refuse to tell myself I love him, as of yet... and of course I would never tell him that, unless he spoke the words first. I am not too proud. I am too chicken. And perhaps too wise/jaded?? All I know is that he is different than any other man I've dated and there is a strange pull between us that feels very powerful... And I am curious to see where that intangible pull will lead us. Whether we end up apart or together is not as big of a deal as making sure that whatever does happen is the best outcome. Because really I just want the best for him and the best for me.

And that's that for now. :)


Leigh said...

interesting...thanks for sharing! <3
i hope everything goes well!


Miss Lime said...

oh dear... this is precisely what i am feeling right not about this one person. it feels like i've just stumbled upon my diary, only that it is someone else's.