Wednesday, January 13, 2010

By Myself

I feel a bit alone to be honest, however less alone than when I am not writing and that is always a good thing. I appreciate the kind comments of people who happen to come across my blog. Perhaps a bit this feeling is because I'm sitting alone in a rather large room and outside these walls the city is dark, silent and cold. However, in any case, it's not the worst feeling in the world. Because in truth, it is in this sort of moment that I realize that beside God and the hosts of the heavens, and perhaps even hell, at the end of the day I am just with me. I have to live with my life and choices more than any other person. Sometimes I forget that simple fact. I forget that the truth in my heart matters, at least to me. And no matter how prolific or articulate any one is, or isn't , what we really experience can never really be totally explained. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't really love another person or that we really are alone in the worst sense... But it does mean that each person's life is truly a rare, epic and important part of the whole, I think. And it means that our own happiness and pain are unique. There are some people who may get closer to seeing and understanding our worlds but they will never be totally in them, the way we are. Even if they love us almost, just nearly, as much as God does.

I have no real idea what is going right now with "the crush," only that he is becoming more than a crush. I am falling for him. And I have absolutely no right to do so. At least that is what I can hear "people who know better" yelling at me, even though they haven't actually had a chance to do so yet. First of all, they would complain, I don't know him nearly well enough yet, and second of all he hasn't pursued anything outside of seeing me at work. I am getting my hopes up too soon! And who knows why he hasn't really...

A while back he was charming and witty, as anyone who reads this blog would know. Then he seemed chatty and sweet. After that disinterested and a little aloof... Then not. Most recently he has become nervous and today was just odd. I was about to leave work just as he walked in because I wasn't feeling well. But I wanted to say hello, because I love my few minutes talking with him every morning. So I tried to find things to do so I could say hello as he walked out the door. It worked, sort of. He called out to me as he was leaving, but yeah... He said, "What are you doing over here? Are you pacing back and forth?" I had no idea how to answer that really. Then he stated with a bit of annoyance in his voice, "Who gets off at this time of the morning anyway?!" So I explained that I was sick... and then he told me to "feel better" and marched off. And I, of course, giggled a sweet little "Oh I will." Afterwards I felt more pathetic than those sad little plastic cups you see on the street that have been run over by cars more than a hundred times.

And then there are the opinions of the few family members I've confided in about him... My mother thinks he is a forbidden man of the world, who is rather mean and potentially crazy. Furthermore, my mother also thinks he probably isn't the least bit interested in me or at least, "not in that way." But my aunt on the other hand thinks he is possibly trying to seduce me. They both are saying what they think is most likely and most helpful for me to know, but the first problem is that they can't both be right. The second problem is that neither of their opinions really match my own experience. And this is, after all, my experience. Normally both my aunt and mother are wise judges of character and good at discerning reality. Perhaps not in this scenario.

Whatever happens between him and me, or never happens, will truly only be between us. I've always known that to be true about relationships in general... But with him I feel it more than I have with many other people in my life. Perhaps there is something about him that speaks to something deep within me that very few other people understand, even many people I have known my whole life. And it is that very point of emotion that makes this experience a little terrible and yet so delightfully promising. Beautiful and yet sad. No matter how real or lovely his attentions feel I could be merely experiencing a cruel delusion. And at some point if nothing ever develops I will have to move on, even far away perhaps, and maybe never see him again. And all of the feeling of connection will be stuck in a moment of time, in the past.

How awful.

But it is a risk to take. All my dark worries based on what I know to be a very possible avenue of life are not yet reality. And in my faith I do believe that God does know all of these meanderings of my life, which is a comfort... One life among so many in the world.

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