Life as I know it

So... So much for not caring.

After eating too much, gaining weight... in the last two days... ice cream... potato chips...

anyway...

I feel fat... and vulnerable. I suddenly feel something for the boyfriend...

And that scares the hell out me...

I have no idea what did it... Maybe it was that last nacho... or the realization that I have become accustomed to his phone calls... everyday... for almost the last week.

Or maybe it's just that the shock has left me... from how good I felt in his arms.

But in any case... I feel troubled...

uhh.. ohh...

What do you do with a guy who genuinely likes you... when you genuinely like him back?

The only thing I can think to do is doubt that he likes me... but it doesn't work. Because he does.

So then I think, well maybe I don't like him... but I do.

Life is scary.

Damn it.

I mean I know this isn't rocket science... but... I just feel so much like the cliche "duck out of water." Like... seriously... I have no idea what to do next... I've never imagined life moving beyond the last week...

I never planned for things to work out.

Wow... how funny... but it's true. I mean, I am so used to "moving on" before anything really great happens... What happens when something great has already happened? I feel like I should just suddenly burst into flames now... I mean... who the hell am I?

I'm the girl alone on a Saturday night...

Now... what if I'm not? What if I actually will be happy...

Somehow that seems... like... I don't know... a planet should blow up or something...

I mean... this is the closest I have felt to being hopeful about something like this in... a really... really... really... long time.

I am terrified that I will mess it up... but somehow I feel like this is different.... like he really likes me... and no matter how much I am myself... he won't run away... and that shocks me.

We actually had a real conversation last night... that was fun. And... I wasn't entirely fake... I sort of acted like myself... around him.

Where am I? I just keep telling myself that it will all end soon... that he'll figure out that I'm THAT girl... the one who takes life too seriously...

But then it hits me... he's my boyfriend...

and he... really actually seems to like me...

I cautiously hope for the best... cautiously... freakishly...