So...

I definitely layed it all on the line. I told Blondie how I feel about him... in so many words. Because I like him. Plain and simple... I don't need to effing figure it out. Despite what I just posted....

What a joke. And I know it's just a silly online dating site... but... it's real.. And I know I am young.... but I'm still alive. And I still feel... but rejection is an easier wound to bear than the utter agony of being pursued by someone who is "playing the field" and needs to "make up their mind" ... and doesn't want you to force them to "make up their mind"... I would rather be skinned alive... I hate it. I really hate it.. Please. Just leave me the eff alone if you don't know what you want... if I'm not what you want... then leave me the fuck alone.

Alone...

I'll probably never hear from him again now. Right?! I mean, that's how it always usually goes...

I'm too bold for my own good... I don't do coy well. I always eff it up...

Because I'm not coy. At all.

lol!

Anyway... There goes dream boy... Bye Bye...

Or not... I mean maybe... in some effed up way he might like it... maybe. But part of me doubts the matching site knows how effed up I am in that way.... how much I hate being led on.... I hate it. I would rather be alone than wait for someone to make up their mind about me....

Because if they don't already like me.... than eff it. They probably never will... not enough anyway...

At least that's always been my experience.

Who knows... maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life and that's how destiny has it. Or maybe not...

Who the hell knows but the maker of all of us... in this crazy, messed-up... yet beautiful world we live in. And I'm scared. And there's no way someone that beautiful could ever find me beautiful..

And damn.... that I think that... whether it's true or not doesn't even matter... I don't have the confidence to think otherwise... But oddly I have the confidence to admit that I don't have confidence... and still have confidence.... in myself... but not in that way...

Did I mention that that ice cream was horrible?