Thursday, January 21, 2010

What I Didn't See

Usually I have something logical to write. At least what seems logical to me. I know I can't assume everyone out there would agree. But I like to at least make some serious gesture towards being rational... and often my pessimism feels like a comfort to me. That way any sort of harsh emotional blow sustained doesn't hit without at least some warning. Today, however, I was thrown in the wind and am still recovering.

My "crush" came into the store today and suggested we have lunch tomorrow. I was not expecting that. Really. Of course I had some small hope nestled in a little crevice of my heart that thought... "well... maybe." But alas, when he came in I thought, "Alright. There he is. Now, be nice to him. It's not his fault in the slightest if he doesn't like you. It's just... fate, God or Mother Nature or who knows what." And so, when he approached the counter, and I realized I was going to have to serve him his coffee today, I tried to greet him with a warm, and even empathetic, smile. I honestly didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

But he made plans to meet me tomorrow. A part of me still doesn't believe it. It's not that I think I'm so hideous that he is just daffy to accept, or that I am assuming that he's madly in love with me because he did, or some other thought that would make me look like a "nut" to most people. I haven't jumped up and down and screamed. I don't know... Maybe I should... ? ... It's just... It's truly and deeply refreshing to finally seem to have found a guy that appears to at least, maybe, just maybe actually be interested in the "real me." Of course what happens tomorrow remains to be experienced but it's lovely that he accepted my offer. It's rare to find a man who isn't completely "turned off" by my honesty or at least by the thought that a woman could have a mind of her own. (I think I've dated one guy in my life who may have actually liked that about me.) To gush even more, he seems to be such a man, which is fascinating to me. And even more baffling is that he is sweet, good-looking and intelligent or at least quite clever.

Of course the ridiculous thing about what I am saying right now is that all the guys I've dated before could be described the same way, using the same words, but those same words just don't seem to have the same meaning with him. With him there is just something more... and I don't know what it is. Of course, my caveat is that many things wait to be seen, including how in the world this will unfold with my mother... if things progress beyond our seemingly casual meeting tomorrow. But as I said before, it's a risk I am willing to take... even with the involuntarily disarming effect of my presently "rose tinted glasses"... In any case, I've never experienced anything quite like this before... whatever this is... I don't want to make any totally premature emotional assumptions... It is both scary and wonderful, if only because he is a bit scary, in a non-horrid sense, and wonderful. Well... at least he has been so far. And I suppose that is all I should say.

No comments: