Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Reflection in the Mirror

If life is like the ocean and we are pebbles on the shore then today a wave of life swept over my soul.

Today I was rejected by a potential suitor.

I am rather introspective and by some accounts I have what has been termed a "dark, intense, and sad" side. This is not always perceived as a good thing. At all. Matter of fact today someone told me that she thought her sister had men attracted to her because she was always "sunny." You see my dear readers, it is a rare day when the male sex fancies me. For years I have noticed this. At times, as many women are, I have been extraordinarily self critical... Seeing all my "flaws" both physical and otherwise in great detail. I however, have learned a bit thanks to my last relationship.

In the recent past I was on a train to Washington, D.C. to visit my ex boyfriend. He is working in that city. I think I was somewhere between Philadelphia and DC when it hit me that I wasn't happy in the relationship. I remember staring out the window at the glorious scenes of nature we passed in the train and thinking.... "I want to sail." However, I couldn't imagine him ever sailing. I just couldn't. ... So, I thought, "if we stay together will I always have to go alone?" I felt a little disenchanted at this realization but I was stubbornly determined to make things work. I pushed any misgivings away and set out none-the-less to make him happy.

Really though... I was incredibly bored.


On paper it looked lovely. He was decent looking, sweet enough, nice, a certified genius.... blah... blah... effing blah.

However, he didn't love me and really I think it was because he wasn't able to. At first that might sound odd... but really I do think that sometimes people are like anything else in this world of beauty. Not everyone will see the beauty for what it is. Just because something is valuable doesn't mean it will be cherished. Perhaps this isn't always a bad thing.

Indeed, while I sit and listen to opera I know that as much as I feel in deep awe of what I am hearing that a good number of people would fall asleep in such circumstances. While I would like for everyone to "see what I see" I know that for whatever reason this isn't possible.

Some people will "understand" me and like what they see. Others will pass me by on their merry way and not think twice about it.

That is life.

So... while I may not attract as many suitors as some... this isn't something to be lamented. We are all works of art. We are all intrinsically valuable.

Yes, I am damned reflective. I am intense. I am who I am and unless it hurts someone else or myself I make no apologies.

Fashion, I think... personal style... should be an extension of this. I think one should express themselves in what they wear. At least I aim to. You are your own work of art.... So be who you are at your best and make no apologies for your unique beauty. Individualistic? Yes... but I think... also true.

After spending an entire weekend with said ex-boyfriend trying to catch his eye I got back on the train at Union Station Monday morning. The final destination for my train was Boston. I love that city. Everything about it is lovely. I stood there in line for the train, sipped my regular hazelnut latte and listened to my fellow passengers speak with their back bay accents. Then an unexpectedly blessed feeling of relief and happiness crossed over me... My boyfriend couldn't stand sea food. He didn't appreciate the ocean. He didn't appreciate most of the things about that city that I love. Not only did not appreciate them he acted like a five year old child when we discussed them. "Yuck! Seafood!"

I always found that disappointing... the way his eyes glazed over when I spoke of the sea...

That entire weekend had been emotionally draining, as I already discussed. I felt rejected and sad... However, for a couple of minutes I recognizd that, albeit by unpleasant means, I was being saved from myself. I didn't feel safe being completely honest around him. Who was I fooling?!

Anyway, all that to say once again that the same can be said for personal style. To thine own self be true and if someone doesn't like your shoes as much as you do... wear them anyway.

(image found at: http://blog.modernmechanix.com/mags/qf/c/PopularScience/6-1936/lrg_odd_shaped_glasses.jpg)


Mikkle said...

great heartfelt post. hug darling! and chipper up! everything happens for a reason ;) welcome to the blog life!

The Clothes Horse said...

I really enjoyed reading this and it is so true. I did a post one time because my personality test told me that I would like to live "intensely" and its true, but intensity doesn't equal happiness. In fact it almost guarantees extreme highs and extreme lows, which are frightening. Yet...the more I reflected on it the more I realized it was true, I would rather be intensely feeling that monotunously even tempered and happy...
I don't mean to turn this into something about me, but I think it was a good realization for you to realize that you and he were just not meant to be. And I think there is much more happiness in store for you!

Adaora A. said...

I think there is someone for everyone. You're still young so keep an open eye and don't look too hard. Live and enjoy with friends. I hope I can paractice what I'm preaching to you! I really enjoyed this.