While I Wait

Well... When I am a bit smitten with a guy I lose my appetite. On top of a racing heart and shaky nerves I find myself shrinking. I'm sure this sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal but with my already rather small size it doesn't necessarily make my life any sweeter. So, I decided I had had enough and that it was time to take matters into my own hands and "ask out" my crush. And sadly enough his answer isn't my main concern. Although it does make me sad to think he may not feel the same way about me at all... And, of course, it would be lovely if he "likes" me. But that isn't the point. Not really. I just need to be able to eat again and I hate the suspense. I would rather just get it over with. If he likes me he does and if he doesn't than he never did. The intriguing thing to me is what, indeed, actually is going on. Like I wrote in my last posting my aunt and my mother cannot both be correct in their estimations. Because, above everything I hope for, I hope that I truly am more interested in reality with it's many variances of light and darkness than in assumptions, be they positive or negative.

So I wrote him a little note that resembled a receipt, for discretion, and slipped it to him today when he came in to get his coffee. I said, "I think you dropped this." In the note I asked him if he would like to meet for lunch and gave him my cell phone number. I figure if he has any interest he will eventually call me. In fact he may call as I am writing this very blog entry. But... if he isn't anywhere near interested in me than I hope he follows the advice I included in my note to discard my lunch suggestion along with the note itself. And he may do just that. I looked at his face when he read the note and I couldn't tell if he was just shocked, shocked and horrified or shocked and filled with pity for me. He didn't smile, but his eyes looked about two sizes larger than normal. I am guessing that that isn't a good sign for any hopes I had. However, the reassuring news is that he came back into the store, after I left, for a refill. I guess he isn't afraid to come back into the store, which is a huge relief. I don't want to be fired. And I just hope, deeply and sincerely, that he doesn't think of me as some sort of sad disaster because I asked him out. I know girls who "make the first move" are often looked down upon in our culture as being desperate, loose or obnoxious. I know I am none of those. I just have a rather anxious nature and there isn't much I can do about it. I have to act or I simmer inside and all my energy burns my own sanity to pieces. I don't know if that makes me ill or just a human with a definite personality quirk. In any case, it's the way I am. Being slowly pursued is painfully tedious for me. And for that I suppose I should apologize to all kind and lovely men out there who like to pursue slowly... No offense gentlemen. I am just a "nervy" and introverted little piece of work...

I was also rather upset by the election results last night in Massachusetts. Martha Coakley should have been "out in the cold" greeting voters. But then again, as I heard from another regular customer, and on Fox News, "the people" are tired of "not being heard." I wonder what that really means. Because as far as I can see "the people" are rarely "heard" in the first place. People want someone to blame for the fact that many things don't make sense right now in the world. They want answers that are flawless and worry free. They want health care to be fixed, the economy to recover, the environment to be restored (if they let themselves believe there is a problem with the environment in the first place), terrorism to just magically end without any serious loss of life for anyone, AND taxes to stay the same or be decreased... Meeting all those needs at the same time is impossible, or nearly impossible. Both sides of the aisle claim to want "change" now... Everyone wants "change." Good grief. Honestly I think the world is just "effed up" right now. And maybe it always has been. Politicians, including both Bush and Obama aren't the devil. They may be seriously wrong but they can only do so much with a world that is so terribly complicated that it's a wonder Obama, or anyone else with any real interest in the future, runs for office anyway.

Sorry this is such a depressing post. I just needed to vent.

ps My "crush" likes the show, "Jersey Shore." Perhaps... it wouldn't have worked anyway... lol! That show.. is... boring shit. (and I bitterly stomp away... :) )