Of Horses and Men

I also decided from my conversation with Ben that I need to stop being such a chicken in regard to other men... So I'm going to get back up on the saddle, so to speak. I've been holding off on communicating with several old crushes, who I never dated, because I feared the potential rejection. I don't feel so scared anymore. It's odd, but I'm not so worried about what will happen. And, although it won't change the outcome, I think that's much healthier.

Furthermore, I am going to write the people in Great Britain about being a potential student there. I think that's just something I need to do. Life doesn't stop for anything and the time I spend musing over my options needs to be spent making risky, but all too necessary decisions and then dealing with the outcomes.

Besides, a cousin I'm growing closer to may be living in Paris next fall and how much fun would it be to visit her while living in Wales?! If the highest price of being a tough cookie is a cheap trip to Paris, then I think I like those odds. In any case, I pick strength instead of desperation and hope instead of despair. And... I need to take care of myself.

The following picture, entitled "On The Street... The Stillness, Melbourne," is from The Sartorialist, at: http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/. I feel that this picture sums up what I feel inside. Just the way the wind hits her skirt and the look in her eyes is so magnificent, and of course her choice of color combination is extraordinary.



ps After posting this I directly sent a few messages to a few guys... Yeah, scary and unlike me but it felt good. I think I may resolve to do one terrifying thing daily from now on.

The Next Piece

So today was disappointing but possibly positive at the same time. I worked later hours today at the shop and the "new guy" came into the store with a woman... who he paid attention to while being slightly colder to me. It definitely rained on my parade. So I decided it was time for a call to Ben. After discussing it with him I came to the conclusion that, while I really don't know exactly what happened, it may be that this other woman is an "interest" of his. And, if I want to find out for certain I will either have to a. wait for him to make a move, b. make a move myself or c. just ask about said girl... It was decided, that the two options that involve my effort should be done after a period of further examination and reflection (a cool off period) of at least a few days.

I think I will opt for a mixture of a and c. I figure that this may be fate/God's way of saying, "no sweetie, not him." However, I am not entirely sure. But, I know for certain that I am not asking him out. I feel that he is the sort of person who might not like that... and I don't know why I get that impression, but I do. I really don't want to have to make the first move, because I get tired of that role easily. I also feel that it's too risky in regard to him. If he wants to date me it may require a great of deal of tolerance/interest on his part since this woman may have been a girlfriend/potential girlfriend and in that case I wouldn't want to get mixed up in the drama. He would need to sort that out for himself. I don't want to be anyone's second choice option. So there. I'm leaving it about 80% up to him... ;) And that's what I feel comfortable with for better or worse because as Ben so kindly, but honestly, pointed out all these wonderful thoughts of romance may entirely be my own sweet inventions.

However, that doesn't mean I don't have developing feelings for him or that I won't still pray for him on occasion. I don't think there's anything wrong with sincerely caring for people regardless of what you will or won't get out of it. And that may be it. I may get nothin'. But this time the small amount sadness I feel doesn't feel so caustic. And I know that's a good sign.