And All These Things....

I stood and waited for the bus again yesterday, but it was in the throes of wet, windy, and cold weather. So, along with a few other passengers, I found some comfort in a bus shelter. A man and woman talked. The woman kept saying, “I’m married. I’m married. You’re about ten years too late. And I don’t plan on getting divorced any time soon.” Then I looked up and saw that a woman named Suzanne had, in permanent marker, declared her eternal love for a man named Kevin on the shelter wall. Permanent marker declaring permanent love…

And in the middle of all these signs of faithful love I found myself struggling with trust issues in my own relationship. I’ve been let down so many times. I don’t know if I’ll ever easily trust a man to be faithful ever again. I know it’s sad. It’s more than sad. But I’ve been cheated on or lied to more than once and even in the happiest relationship I would struggle. It’s like I’m broken. But I can’t help it. And yesterday I realized that I have to just force myself to trust my boyfriend. It feels like running against a brutal wind when you’re exhausted. He’s attractive and could cheat with many, many women. The other night he got an innocent phone call from an old fling potentially willing to be a fling again. I was there. It was a purse dial but I was unbelievably suspicious. We started fighting. I made him text her and tell her he had a girlfriend now who couldn’t figure out why he was getting late night calls from old flings. It was innocent. Yesterday morning I realized I have to let myself potentially be devastated by him. I love him. He could hurt me in innumerable ways. But it’s like I wrote a while back, I have to let myself be hurt. I have to be a standing target. Push myself on and yet stand still. Because when I hide from potential pain love can’t find me either. If I do get hurt it will suck, but at least I’ll know that I’ve given it my all.

Later, in the mall, I was going about my business when I was swallowed into a sales vortex. A kiosk selling ceramic hair straightners had a particularly convincing salesperson. She curled my hair, gave me a discount and all but sold me on her product despite countless protests otherwise. She was fabulous and I actually did look better when I left. I guess her product sold itself, although she showcased it well. I realized, in any case, a little more about my personal style in the process. I love traditional classics, like the long khaki trench coat I wore because of the rain. And I love long big curls. I love heals when they don’t kill your feet… I love long, clean lines. And I think I always have… I remember a while back I mentioned my admiration for Kate Winslet’s fashion sensibilities.

On the bus the newspaper I read was filled with inspiration too, albeit tragic inspiration. There was a piece about the late Senator Paul Wellstone and another article about the man and his sons whose plane disappeared days ago. The late Senator had such hope and goodness. He was indeed a mensch as one admirer was quoted as saying. The world feels cold without people like him and his wife. I believe God reflects his love through such people. I’ve been watching many campaign advertisements lately. One of them includes endorsements by a gubernatorial candidate’s two sons. They mostly praise their father’s influence on their lives and his character. It’s sad but I wonder if they are lying and somewhere in my deepest of hearts I hope that they are not.

Then there is the man and his sons in the missing plane. The sons are so young and happy looking. I can’t remember the last time I looked as happy as them, or if I ever have. I don’t say that to pity myself. I just see such peace and love in that family that it makes the tragedy uniquely gripping. It’s not every day one sees seemingly good, ambitious, truly happy looking people. Then that people could have that much and lose it is a sobering and telling lesson about the nature of life. It is like a ship sailing on a wild sea. It passes between a changeful sky and an unruly sea of unspeakable depths. One moment you are floating on in sunshine and then the storms come and you can be beaten, cold and tired, or thrown to your death. Their strength and their lives sound like beautiful symphonies of what can be though… Even if death can take such bright life away from this world their seemingly positive lives did exist… and maybe even still do.

Last night I had a talk with my boyfriend. I realized how depressed I was about being a nurse and that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. After truly listening to me talk about my life and my fallen dreams he said, “Don’t do it!” I said, “But I don’t have a choice!” That’s not true though. I’m still alive. And somehow I can make it work. I’ve decided to pursue one of my passions and become a history professor. My writing will improve. And I’ll be able to delve into a place I find such beauty in. I’ll be able to think as long and as much as I want. And no one will get angry if I ask millions of little questions and ponder the answers for hours and hours…

Blond Hair

The other day I was waiting for a late afternoon bus in the middle of a busy city. I was on my cell phone when I noticed a man probably in his late 40's walking towards me. At first I didn't think anything of it. People notice each other all the time. Then he started to approach me. I was confused.

The expression on his face told of the drinks he had just had. He looked happy but puzzled. He got really close to me and then looked at my hair and said in an oddly apologetic tone, "I like the blond hair. I just like the blond hair. OK?!" I looked at him and couldn't help but smile at the humor in our shared moment.

"Thank you. I take that as a genuine compliment."

He looked at me in total seriousness which was comically out of place. I started to wonder where this exchange was going. Then he,with deep fervor and almost exasperation, said "I like the blond hair! OK?! I just like the blond color!"

A young man nearby started to look fidgety about his role as a spectator. I could tell he was wondering if it was his place to step in and help me out. I managed to edge away before too much trouble started.

And I giggled. A lot. But only very discretely to myself and at a safe distance.

I recently dyed my hair brown again. I don't think there's a connection...

After my run in with the rather large man I got on the bus and sipped my coffee while watching a group of teenagers. They were scary. I don't mean scary because they were obnoxious or something like that. They scared me because they were terrifying reminders of years gone by. And I was terrified, yes terrified. I thought teenagers would somehow be different than when I was their age. I have no idea what sort of a difference I was expecting... But they have pretty much the same attitudes, fears and obsessions we did. The songs they chant have changed and so have their clothes but other than that they are us... Scary. Very scary.

And by "us" and "we" I mean young adults past college but not old enough to be President of the United States.

It was while listening to this conversation that I realized how old I am getting. And that's what really scared me. Teenagers haven't changed but I have. And those memories evoked from years past are really, truly, in the past now. I knew this. I really did. But whenever you bring up how old you feel as a young adult there's usually an older adult nearby to say how young you really are. It's sort of like when you start gaining weight. At first everyone says how good you really look, but then eventually you realize no one is saying that anymore...


So I'm strongly considering going into the nursing field. It isn't as "artsy" as I originally intended my career to be. Obviously. But there are jobs in nursing... At least right now...

I can go to law school after I finish my nursing degree. And that's not a bad idea anyway...

My boyfriend is going to sell insurance. I'm going home with him for Thanksgiving... I'm going to meet his grandparents and his father. I'm scared. But also very excited... My mother is not happy. She wants me to celebrate Thanksgiving with her. When I told her I was going home with him she called to "formally invite me" to Thanksgiving with her the next day. I have no idea what she is thinking. She's never been like this. Ever. I don't know what to do with her...

And so it begins.

Yup... ... ...

In the Quiet Moments

Tonight I'm going to a baseball game with my boyfriend. Before the game we're planning to meet my dear friend Nadine and her boyfriend Scott for drinks. I'm excited. But honestly I really just want to see my boyfriend. And I am looking forward to being with my dear friend again too... The hot dogs, beer and ball game are just a subterfuge. I pretend to be excited by them so as not to seem like a big sap.

I'm looking for work. But more than that I'm trying to plan my life. What do I do? Do I work and go to school part time to finish my liberal arts education? Do I become a cna so as to position myself to be a nurse... which would be a fulfilling job that would pay my already huge loans? I don't know. But I need to know. I needed to know... And have been trying to figure this out for much too long. I apologize if this train of thought seems redundant. It is. I'm working on borrowed time I feel.

My boyfriend, mother and friends all have various opinions, suggestions and criticisms. I listen.

Isn't it funny how life slips by though? I mean I know I need to "get shit done" and all... I'm not complaining. I just find it funny. Work and work. Plan and plan. And then die. That sounds cliche doesn't it? I suppose I just don't want to be one of those people who don't stop to look around and observe the world around them. We are all so damn fascinating. It's wonderfully distracting.

I have started to take note of my "personal style" again. This blog was started to focus on fashion... It never really has. lol! I just haven't been able to shut up about everything else and focus on the splendid world of fashion... For better or worse. But in all honesty there are so many extraordinarily talented fashionistas... Some of whom are my friends from years ago or a relatively recent past. I think I almost thought such matters were better left to them...

But no longer. When I was a little girl I used to watch adult women walk past me in their high heels. A cloud of 80's fragrances would drift past me and I was filled with this sense that someday I wanted to emulate what I saw and experienced in those moments. I wanted to create this feeling of mystery and beauty. But I don't know that I ever have. I think primarily because it's scary to walk in high heels for a long period of time. What didn't occur to me as a child was that high heels are loud and announce your presence long before you arrive. I have an ironic need for privacy in public despite my openness to others. High heels destroy that. You can't go unnoticed. Loud clothing does further damage.

But perhaps there is a way to bridge the gap between bold beautiful fashion and my reserved nature. I am working on it...

Thanks for reading to those of you who have and do... I'm glad my musings aren't entirely boring... :)

A Whirlwind of Sound

This summer was strange, but this fall has been stunning. I rarely use the word strange, but it is the best word to use at this juncture, in my truly humble opinion.

Today I quit work. Sitting next to me is my boyfriend. Yes, the same guy from previous postings, I'm gleefully surprised to say. I'm in a coffee shop. I am stunned. This life is finally catching up with me.

I don't remember feeling this much like myself for years.

My life has been on a bit of downward drudge for a while. And I have been emotionally walking through it... I've been just passing along; hoping that eventually I would find my way back into my own lovely neighborhood. I think today I did.

I took the job at the coffee shop with the intent of eventually going to Wales this fall or something of that sort. That never occurred. Instead I got trapped and I hated it. This last job was like some sort of painful emotional apex. I was humiliated on a daily basis by customers who looked at me as a failure. I know they did. Honestly. Some people assumed I was only working there as a stepping stone while being a college student, but there were always the customers who thought you just didn't give a damn about life and had settled into a blue collar customer service job happily. I became increasingly tempted into a bitter state of mind.

My employer was shocked to hear my reading list. I was apparently too stupid. Why else would I have been working there with her? Right?

It was like the movie, The Wrestler. That was a scary movie. What does it say when you can relate to a washed up, middle-aged, dead beat dad wrestler?

I bet I sound like a snob. My job wasn't "good enough" for me... But the truth is I do care a great deal about a great many things and it's hard to be taken seriously when you essentially have a "would you like fries with that" career. And yet so many people who are much better educated than I am have jobs like that right now though... People who come in for expensive espresso drinks because they have managed to make it for whatever reasons often forget that. I am bitter. Sorry.

I am only dimly and amateurishly describing what I imagine many people are currently feeling for reasons related to the state of the world at this moment. But for me it was part of a long experience involving a lot of self-loathing that started when I turned in my first late homework assignment in high school. I started falling apart when the bull market was only just starting a pleasant sizzle.

I had been such a responsible person... ridiculously responsible. An extreme goody-two-shoes. My family fell apart and then I stopped caring as much. Nowhere was home anymore. I felt like all chance of controlling my life for the better had essentially been taken from me. My only chance at happiness was to create my own safe haven outside of my family.

I had that safe place vaguely in the form of college. But in that safe haven I also had the pressures of school. Nowhere was restful really other than the company of my closest friend or a walk in nature, especially near the ocean. Everyone else had something to ask of you that you couldn't say no to because their reasons were the sort of reasons that break your heart or tug at your conscience. I was slowly breaking down from the inside out. I kept making mistakes that I shouldn't have made because I knew better, and over time the people who knew my more responsible nature dwindled.

I found peace within myself. I did. And in quiet moments it was sublime... but it wasn't enough rest. I wore down.

Being late, lonely, sad and depressed was common. No one could tell eventually. There is a point when you stop asking for help. It's the point when you cry and cry and no one is there when you stop. The world has gone on but you haven't really and you know the general consensus is that you should just fucking get over it. "You can't let life's obstacles define you." What the fuck ever. Life just sucks sometimes.

In any case, as I was saying, this job was like the final blow in a series of pride-crippling, ego brutalizing outcomes based in my failure to pick myself up and "move on" and stop giving a damn that I breathlessly hated huge portions of my life that I had no control over. You don't pick your parents and you don't pick who does or doesn't love or care about you after that either.

And no one can make up for a loud, demanding parent who decided at childhood not give a damn about anyone but himself.

No judgement intended. Honestly. It just sucks.

Today I waltzed out the door of my boyfriend's place and narrowly missed my bus for work by a block. I saw it drive past me. At that moment I knew I would be fired if I didn't quit. Actually I knew that two blocks before when I realized I had two minutes to run down two blocks.

I would never recommend being late for work. I would never recommend being irresponsible. But sometimes the dumbest things can work out for the best. I don't recommend doing dumb things. Maybe it's fate. It would seem so. Because I feel great. Better than I have in years.

I went back to his place and took a couple of minutes to decide to call in to work and quit right then. I felt awful about myself for a while. I had to face making a lot of people really angry. I had to truly disappoint people I cared about without giving them any indication that I would. I had to shock people for the worst. I had to be the bad guy; the one people gossip about with resentment and malice. I let the team down.

Then I realized I didn't have to go to work at my coffee shop and I felt amazing. I had oddly made a stand for myself in some nonsensical way. I hated that job. I was exhausted. I was miserable. But I tried. And tried. And I didn't succeed. Then I accidentally was put in a position where I had to really just fucking give up.

Spring

This spring has been interesting for me. I found myself dating three guys at once. One of them decided we didn't have any chemistry and proceeded to entirely end all communication with me. Another insisted that I had feelings for him a week after I broke things off with him. He continues to text me...

And then there is the original "crush." I still am spending time with him. I've gone from confused to hurt to angry to relieved and then shocked... and pleasantly surprised. And right now I am just optimistic. I'm not going to lie. I'm smitten, but with a great deal of new found experience to rely on as a reference.

I could go on and on about his faults and how he manages to still be lovable, but I'm exhausted with talking about him. I do it often with friends on the phone and in person. Too often maybe. Right now I'm just letting it go and yet still emotionally investing myself. It's a new found trick I've learned this spring. One must give their all in order to "let things happen" and yet brace yourself for shit to fly in your face at any moment. Sometimes it becomes impossible and I find myself being too distant or too "emotional."

The funny thing I've recently been realizing is that romantic relationships aren't really all that different than other sorts of relationships... I know that sounds like something I should already know, but sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to see until they just walk up and stare you in the eyes. It's true that you can't make people like or love you... ever. Whether people are lovers or friends... the same basic rules apply. I know better than to try to make someone love me, but that doesn't mean people will automatically either love or hate you either. So often it's been said that either men will love you right away or never. I don't buy it any longer. I think one knows when they know... And when that is depends on the people involved.

He says he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him. We seem to have agreed at one point that my "feelings" were stronger. They may be or they may not be... But thankfully, I am not as easily broken as he may presume. I've been rejected by men in "official relationships" who I have "loved." No, I refuse to tell myself I love him, as of yet... and of course I would never tell him that, unless he spoke the words first. I am not too proud. I am too chicken. And perhaps too wise/jaded?? All I know is that he is different than any other man I've dated and there is a strange pull between us that feels very powerful... And I am curious to see where that intangible pull will lead us. Whether we end up apart or together is not as big of a deal as making sure that whatever does happen is the best outcome. Because really I just want the best for him and the best for me.

And that's that for now. :)

What Fate and Faith Allow

Well, I am breaking my silence on the issue of the men in my life... And I must say I am determined to take a new emotional stance on the matter. In the last week and a half I have come to several new and rather startling realizations...

I have tried with much force, but completely subconsciously, to end the possibly budding romance between me and my "crush." How have I done this!? Well... it's subtle and complicated, which is probably why no one has ever noticed and "called me on it" before. But in a moment of introspection I suddenly knew what I had done...

First of all, I am a confrontational person. However, mind you, I am also polite to a fault, sweet and slow to anger. But... I do not shy away from a fight if something really bothers me. In any case, I am also a person who likes endings, results, definitive answers and would prefer to move forward... I walk fast. I make decisions fast. And thankfully those decisions are usually fairly good ones, if I do say so myself. I also am used to taking care of people, situations, places... myself... many things. It is unusual for me to feel as though I am in a place to "receive." How does this translate into the world of romantic relationships? Well... I rarely let anyone truly pursue me. I pursue them. Why? Well, to be honest, I think the uncertainty of it has just been too intolerable until now. Perhaps there is even a bit of an issue with control... It's easier to be rejected on your own terms than to let someone reject you when they want to. And here's the real shocker... I deeply hate feeling "in love" or anywhere near "in love," or even "like" for long periods of time... I have loved men before, but always from some sort of self-imposed distance. (whether consciously or unconsciously) The distance functions as a protection. They never really "get to me." Not really.

I honestly don't know where things are going with my "crush." But I am forcing myself to learn to "enjoy the ride" and "be vulnerable" in a healthy way... And for some reason it has taken an enormous amount of effort of my part to do this. But regardless of where I find myself with him "down the road" the discovery of this precious insight is invaluable.



That first realization is a bit "bitter-sweet." But here is the really ironic thing... Remember "indie guy." Well, as of the other day he has started trying to make sweet, witty little conversations with me. And my instinct tells me he may be more interested in getting to know me than I previously assumed... Furthermore there are at least two other men who may be also "interested" in me... whatever that means anyway. This is all truly stunning to me. So... what happens next?! I don't know. And, while the following bits of information are distasteful, they add to the drama. At least two of the other men are fairly well off. One of them wears impeccable and expensive suits everyday... However, my "crush" does not have "means" created through his own devices. (I have no idea how he grew up...) I would normally never even consider this, but in this case it simply illuminates in my mind what my heart really is feeling, for better or for worse.

The thing about my "crush" is that he has such an intoxicating soul... and this moves me deeply. And unlike any man I've ever met before, he knows how to "lead me." And as I said before, I do not easily follow any one's lead. At all. This unprecedented ability, whether intentional on his part or not, is both horrifying and beautiful at the same time. However, I will not despair. I compulsively crave closure, but some things just aren't closed... and no matter what I do it isn't within my power to end them. They have a will of their own... and a timing that I cannot determine. There is an uncomfortable and seemingly incompatible combination of fate, resignation, blind hope and peculiar bravery involved in romance at any stage. And I must be at peace with this. Indeed, I feel slightly "out of control" of my own fate for the first time since I was a very young child, which is perhaps the last time I didn't have many things "figured out." But it doesn't feel bad. It feels healthy. I do know that I can make truly productive and wise decisions to really take care of and protect myself... But, beyond that, on matters of the heart, I am merely a passenger. And all I can do is take in the view... And pray.

Last Words

The other day went well with my "crush." We've been seeing each other occasionally and so far he's been quite sublime. He likes the book, The Sun Also Rises. I love that book. And I am fairly certain that he is, indeed, a beautiful soul and that I must be myself with him. But other than that I don't think I will write about him again, at least not for a while, if ever. Some things shouldn't be written about... and everyone must decide what those things are for themselves. In the past I would have written it all. This time I don't think it's best.

Instead, I will discuss the fact that I am stymied by my split ends. I read in an article in Vogue last spring about not using dimethicone... while it sits on the hair it smooths out the ends. However, when you wash it off the hair is left damaged since the silicone also blocks natural oils from entering the hair strand. I've been using "Sheer Blonde." It has silicone in it... But it's also cheap. I don't know what's better saving money or preventing whatever damage the silicone is causing. No one seems to notice the damage but me anyway...

Tomorrow night President Obama will give his State of the Union address. This morning I heard the clip of him telling people that his main objective isn't to be reelected. He is more concerned with being the best he can be... whether that amounts to one term or two. He said that he would rather be an excellent one term president than a mediocre two term president. I admire that. A lot. Whether he's saying that to "cover his sins" or if he is saying that to defy antagonistic forces that hound him daily I don't know. But I respect the sentiment. As Winston Churchill once said, "In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will." I think President Obama may be following that creed... indeed.

In any case, I feel humbled... (I realize that these paragraghs don't make sense together, by the way) And hopeful. And I believe that prayers will make all the difference in the world... in life. So I pray for it all... for Haiti... for America... for me... for you... and then I cry a little. Because there are so many things that need prayer. But God is listening. And that I do know... for certain.