A Mighty Kill

I feel like complete waste... lost and dearly disappointed.

I don't feel my emotions until far after I am hurt generally... And they suddenly hit me. I just realized that I might never see him again... And I really did like him.

My heart feels torn up and beaten... I feel neglected and misunderstood... just plain hurt really.

Of course I ask myself how I got into this mess... and I realize that I did it by being nice... and trusting someone who didn't really deserve it. Even though he pretended to ... ...

I feel so incredibly cold inside. Honestly sometimes I wish I was dead... but as a famous Shakeaspeare character said "to dream... ahh there's the rub." Who knows what awaits me.. I like to think it's heaven. But who knows... There aren't any sure things...

At least it feels that way.

Maybe God just doesn't like me.

Or maybe He does...

I hope so.

So... despite this sad departure from my hopes for happiness... I guess I have to keep living for some damn reason.

I suppose there is a reason. And if there isn't than there sure as hell should be.

Criminal Behavior

So the boyfriend and I are on hold.... I didn't see this coming. But I'm alright with it...

He had a visit from his ex the other day... and realized how mad for her he still is... And at the same time I started to really open up to him... So it leaves me wondering if I will ever find someone who I can trust with the truth of my life experience... Because every time I start to open up about my wild family and other stuff... men get scared and run far, far away... And it's pathetic. And I can't do a damn thing about it... so I ended things until he can figure out what he wants... And I will try to be strong enough to consider never being with him... ever..

And I might never be with him... because he might never get up off his ass enough to pursue me... or he might decide he doesn't really give a shit about me after all... So basically I was just taken for a ride... but I got out before I got too burned...


Who knows what will happen with him. I'm not holding my breath. I truly have doubts he is strong enough to be in a relationship with me... Or if he really wants it enough. Of course, one can hope... but... my hopes are rarely rewarded... So once again, I'm not holding my breath. Of course, that's not say it wouldn't be lovely to be made a fuss over... and pursued. Because yeah... That would always be nice.

In any case, I feel more impetus to push forward... To hell with this foolish meandering in life. I know what I want... or at least I'm figuring it out and I might as well go get it... man or no man... Love or no love. Even if no man ever supports me or my dreams in a partnership I still have to live my life with as few regrets as possible... And if that means becoming, albeit begrudgingly so, extraordinarily self-sufficient... then I guess that's my fucking lot in life.

I'm honestly alright with being alone for the rest of my life though if that's as good as my sometimes shitty life will ever get... I mean .... you get what you get in stuff like that in this life. If your damned in how much love you get... your damned. You can't make people give a fuck about you. They either do or don't...

What you can control is whether or not you give a shit about yourself... and what you want to accomplish and experience. I'm realizing that more and more as time goes by.

Love is freaking amazing.. I'm sure. And I would love to experience it someday... But... wtf. It's not a given. Sadly enough for a lot of us.

:(

Anyway... I have good friends and a lot of other blessings... so yeah. Onward and upward.